Hark unto me as I share with you a story as old as time:
Our Hero is an overweight fellow who boldly and bravely decides to do something about his porcine predicament.
He opts to lift weights but doesn’t bother with cardio because he heard online that “cardio kills gains”.
This is untrue and, deep down, he knows it. Nevertheless, it allows him to justify avoiding a type of training he finds equal parts uncomfortable, humbling, and boring; so he turns off his critical thinking faculties and simply lifts three to five times per week.
Gains in muscle and strength come quickly, and he is greatly pleased.
So pleased, in fact, that he decided to enter a bodybuilding competition.
But there is a problem.
Our Hero is still rather fat with a body mass index (BMI) of 36.2 (comfortably within the “obese” range).
However.
He is in denial about his true shape because the layer of fat atop his muscles makes those muscles appear a lot larger than they are. Moreover, he only ever looks at his shirtless torso in certain mirrors from certain angles under certain lighting that make it look like his top two abs are visible.
Everybody is supportive of his desire to enter a show in three months’ time. Apart from one grumpy old so-and-so at the gym he talks with sometimes who says he is too fat to compete and should spend at least a year, if not two, getting lean in a sustainable manner before tackling a contest prep.
Our chubby Mr Olympia-in-waiting elects to ignore the Bad Man, dismissing him for being mean, and begins his prep.
Do you remember how I said this chap hadn’t bothered doing cardio up until this point?
This really bites him in the bum because he can manage just ten minutes of HIIT before his heart threatens to self-delete unless he stops. What’s more, his ego and bad attitude prevent him from doing long(er) duration, low intensity activities like going for an hour’s walk every day without fail.
Consequently, his only option is to go pants-on-head stupid in the diet department, aided and abetted by an online coach who writes him a restrictive meal plan despite not being a registered dietitian.
Progress follows, albeit not nearly as fast as he needs it to come to prevent him from looking Very Stupid when he steps on stage. (At this point, the “Big Day” is a mere 8 weeks away.)
Problem is, he is too invested now – having told all his family, friends, and social media followers he was doing the show to prove it’s possible to go from “fat to fit” naturally in a few short months.
Oh yeah, I forgot to mention our friend made a big song and dance about how he was going to do it all without steroids or other performance enhancing drugs.
Let’s see how long that lasts.
A couple more miserable weeks pass. At just 6 weeks out from the show, he feels like death warmed up from the poor diet and cardio (he finally relented and does treadmill walks, but his body can’t cope with them due to his lack of general physical preparedness, weightlifting regime, and diet that has left him deficient in many essential nutrients).
He asks his online coach what to do, and they recommend he take a combination of common substances bodybuilders misuse to get into contest condition.
Ever the professional, the online coach also recommends his client has his “bloodwork” done and WhatsApp over the results for him to “interpret” using qualifications he gained by watching professional bodybuilders talk about their experiences in Instagram reels.
The gear helps. Mr Porky feels more energised and some more fat drops off, but he is still nowhere near the shape he needs to be in to not make a fool out of himself (his BMI remains stubbornly within the obese range).
However.
He doesn’t tell anyone about his new drug habit because he is ashamed.
Eventually, he steps on stage and comes third (of three).
He has some pictures taken with his little plastic trophy and posts them on social media with some inspiring captions.
Then he goes on a two day “cheat” wherein he indulges in all the things he has deprived himself of over the past three months. This makes him feel very ill.
He also finds he can’t stop, so the two days turn into a multi-month bender, which results in him winding up fatter than he was when he started the prep (he tells himself he is “bulking” in anticipation of his next show).
The gear use carries on, too. Indeed, he ends up taking even more of the stuff because the only way he knows how to get meaningful results is to increase the dose and/or add another substance.
A sad tale indeed, but one I have seen play out time and time again in the decade and a half I have been training.
I cannot think of a neat segue into my pitch for “The Christmas Survival Guide”, although I will say if you made it through all of that you will probably enjoy and benefit from us working together over the 14 days between the 18th of December and New Year’s Eve.
Full details below:
https://philtyreman.co.uk/xmas
Thank you,
Phil Tyreman